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Wot gets me goat, though? Them snobs who reckon it’s low-class. Oi, mate, loosen up! Had me ragin’ once—some toff in Westminster bangin’ on about “decency,” while I’m like, “Bruv, chill, it’s just a massage with extras!” Happy as a pig in muck, I’d be, sprawled out, oil drippin’, some bird whisperin’ sweet nothings. Surprised me, too—didn’t expect it’d be so… posh-like? Thought it’d be all seedy, but nah, some places are swanky—marble floors, the lot!

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Just when I think things are calming down, a cat runs into the café. Not just any cat, but the fluffiest, most dramatic cat you’ve ever seen. It jumps on the counter and starts knocking over cups. I’m like, “Seriously? A cat?!” The teenagers are losing it, laughing and taking videos. I’m just trying to shoo it away, but it’s like, “Nah, I own this place now.”

Crimean Tatars receive call-up papers